Personal Strength...

Finding our own personal strength...what is it...how do we achieve it. With so many obstacles throughout our daily lives, it might be hard to lose sight of who we really are. The first thing any vulnerable person loses track of is their personal strength. It’s what’s inside of us...most times buried too deeply that it’s never found again. It’s important to know that who we are is more than our jobs...our opinions...our beliefs. What makes us unique...irreplaceable...is the strength that we possess. It molds us into the person we look at in the mirror...it gives us our pride. Losing the personal strength within your soul is the closest path to defeat that could ever be taken. Keep it close to you...let it overpower you...make it noticeable.

My personal strength has been tested over the past month...I’m slowly losing my grip on it. No matter how hard I try, there seems to be no end in sight. I know that I’ve always been a strong person...I’ve looked defeat in the face before...I won. This time, I don’t know. It’s like the world is crashing down on me, and I’m not trying to stop it any more. I want to...I just can’t. Since my words always seem to work magic...I thought this might be a good thing to write about. Maybe some magic can be worked within my own soul...within my heart. It’s a chance I’m willing to take...if not to help myself, I could possibly help someone else.

As parents, we try to guide our children...make them responsible...respectful. I love my boys with every ounce of my being. Without them, I am nothing...an invisible woman. My world revolves around my children...their happiness...their pain. I’m not the type of mother who goes out to party - or leaves her children behind. They are with me every step of the way...and they like it. I can honestly sit here and say that both of my sons are my best friends. People will come and go out of my life forever...my boys are here to stay. I have never turned my back on them - just as they have never done it to me. Guess it could be called a mutual respect on both sides. Respect...the most important part of our relationships. It’s the one thing that is the easiest to lose...the hardest to earn...and we possess it with each other.

Back to why I feel like I’m losing my personal strength...it’s a long story that I shall try to make short. The status that I’ve earned over my lifetime is based on all my accomplishments - as well as my failures. I’ve had two books published, I’m writing a novel and 3 movie scripts simultaneously, I’m a waitress...a mother...and a friend. I’ve never let my success as a writer determine who I am. I choose not to flaunt it or let many people know about it. Maybe it’s part of the mystery when others find out...to me, it helps keep my life private. Over the years, I’ve developed a few close friendships that help me to understand that the world isn’t all bad. Two very good friends of mine are police officers in the town that I reside in. A few years ago, I left that town...only to return so I could be closer to them. In a way, it helps make me feel a little safer...it makes me smile a little more...it makes me happy.

Lately, my youngest son decided to venture down his own path...one he knows that I was against. He’s learning his lesson the hard way. Part of it is him rebelling...not against me...against life in general. He was taken to a detention center 3 weeks ago and it’s been almost a month of hell...for me. When my son is with me, he’s respectful...obedient...trustworthy. When he’s not under my care, it’s a whole other story. I don’t know how to explain it...or understand it. Not only has the past few weeks been hard on me, it’s been equally as painful for him. At least he’s taking this time to think about his actions...to accept responsibility. All he wants is to come home. I have gotten so many letters from him and each is more emotional than the last. It’s sinking in...he’s learning...he’s sorry. Hopefully, the courts will see that same side of him that I’ve seen...I want him to have a chance.

Dealing with all of this is what made my personal strength start to fade away...I don’t know where it’s going...I have to find a way to get it back. It’s apparent to me that I’m the type of mother who carries her own personal strength within the hearts of her children. Their happiness determines my own...I need to make sure they are both taken care of...the way they deserve to be. It’s my job to protect them when the world seems to be turning it’s back on them...I need to teach them to carry their own personal strength within themselves...I have to teach them how to be men. Personally, I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt - giving out second chances. It helps them to acknowledge what was wrong...give a chance to make it right. I’m not the type of woman that will judge another by their appearance - by their actions. That’s what separates myself from the rest of humanity...it’s my compassion...my personal strength. I have the ability to look past what is right in front of me - to look deeper into someone than what the eyes can see.

My emotional breakdown hasn’t hit me yet...I’ve been too busy pecking away at the keyboard...keeping myself busy. I know it’s coming and it’s going to be bad - I’ve prepared myself to accept that. For now, I’ll just be content knowing that my own personal strength is on vacation...taking a much overdue break. It will return to me when it’s ready...and it will be stronger than it was before. Until then, I’ll keep my tears hidden and my hopes high. I will not show my desperation...my pain will not rise to the surface...my emotions shall remain in check. When life gets back on track...the way it should be...life will be back to normal. The day that happens...I will smile once again.

If I Could...

If I could change the past

Would I even try

Looking over the years

All I did was cry

So what would it really hurt

To change a couple things

Maybe walk away

The day I got the ring

New Social Networking Site

New site that is getting ready to launch...check it out and join today! It's a small site that's geared more on a personal level. Hopefully, everyone will stop by in the future - build yourself a profile - and begin the fun of networking with other writers!

I look forward to seeing a lot of fellow authors from here...and feel free to spread the word to other writers. Once you join, you can invite anyone to join along with you through email invites.

Start of a New Day...

Is it a new day...or did yesterday just never fade off into the abyss...it's hard to tell right now! In about 3 hours, I'll have been awake for 48...that's just insane. It's become obvious to me that once you start to get things situated (just the way you want them), something has to come and put a damper on your routine. What was my curveball that has me sleep deprived, you ask...well...read on...

Not only am I addicted to this site, I've also just discovered Twitter (and I love it)! Now, on top of those two things, I decided to start a Wordpress blog...I'm sure you already read about that though. Here's where it gets interesting. As if I'm not sleep deprived enough...and running off enough caffeine to keep a horse awake for a week...one Wordpress blog just didn't seem to cut it! Hahaha...now I'm sure you already know what I'm going to say...BUT...I'll say it anyway!

I'm an IDIOT...and I started a second Wordpress blog Sunday night. This idea popped into my head about a story...a story that never ends! Sounds interesting, doesn't it? Well, I thought about it after reading some editorials that I wrote last year. Of course, I felt the desire to add to them...just to make them a little better. I realized that as writers, we always can come up with something extra...another great scene...another thought. 

So, here's what I'm doing...every few days, I post a new part to the story! The first post is already up and ready to read. I wrote the first two paragraphs and tonight I may add a couple more! Who knows where it will go...what could transpire...after all, it IS a never ending story! If you venture to check it out, come back here and drop off an idea or two about how you think the story could evolve...that would make it even more interesting! 

A Bit Disgusted...

The advantage of being an adult is that you can date whoever you want...whenever you want. I think people should really start to think of others before making that decision though. I'm not saying...ask permission...or get advice. What I'm saying is that we live in a judgemental world and the classic age difference issue is STILL an issue!

This is stemming from a story that my son told me last night. He is disgusted beyond words. There is this guy that he works with...he's 33 years old...he has a new girlfriend. This girl is 17...YES...17! What on earth...I don't get it. This guy is currently in jail (on work release) because he sexually assaulted 2 fifteen year old girls that he worked with before. NOW...I'm no rocket scientist...BUT...let's do the math. Fifteen isn't that much different than 17...once a pedophile always a pedophile. I don't care how close to 18 this girl is...it doesn't change the fact that he's 33!

Now, if you're 50 and date someone that's 35, I don't see a problem with that. You're old enough to know the ramifications of your actions then. You're more mature...you're more of an adult than you are at 17...obviously! Personally, I think he manipulated this girl into something until she broke down and gave in. I'm suggesting that because I drove him back to jail a couple times because he didn't have a ride. He hounded me for over a month about wanting to date me...I tried so hard to blow him off politely...then I just got rude. Imagine that...me...rude!

I don't know...maybe it's just one more little thing to make me disappointed with society. It's just wrong...that would be like me dating one of my kids friends...YUCK!

WordPress...the Next Big Thing

Well, I finally broke down and did it...started my own wordpress blog. It seemed a little complicated when I first did it, but it's not too bad. Really interesting little site they have there! Bottom line is, I had no idea what I was doing and I went for it anyway. It could only prove to help a struggling writer such as myself!

It's actually kind of fun...and a lot different than this site. I could never compare the two of them. PNN offers so much to writers and wordpress is more of just a blog...a place to rant! I've also come to realize that making another account is going to take up so much more of my time...and another darn password to remember! Uuuggghhhh...at least I use the same screen name everywhere!

So far, I've just made 3 posts and added a short story in there...just to spice it up a bit! It took me all day to figure it out since it's so much more complex. I still don't have it figured out, but it's alright...I don't have this site completely figured out either! As long as I know enough to get by...at least for now...

I definitely recommend wordpress to everyone! When you make an account, try to let me know...then I'll see if I can find you on there! That might take me a while to figure out though...so be patient...

Ending the Cycle of Violence

Everywhere we turn, there are hidden dangers lurking. The most hidden would be domestic violence. Most cases are not reported due to embarrassment or fear. There is a way to end this vicious cycle, if we would just get up enough courage to make a change. Eventually, there are people out there who will see through the excuses made. It's time...if you feel you are in danger, to walk out the door.

There are numerous victims out there who don't realize that they are victims. They feel that their partner can be changed. Domestic violence comes in more than one form. Most of them leave no visible evidence. That lack of evidence doesn't make the abuse less devastating to the victim. We have certain rights as Americans that protect us from danger, provide us with freedoms, and keep us safe within our country. For thousands of people, those same securities provide no comfort within what should be the safety of their homes. This needs to end. The cycle needs to be stopped; and it can be.

Domestic violence shows itself in many ways. It isn't primarily a title held only by physical violence. Other forms include name-calling, threatening and throwing things. When something comes flying in your direction that doesn't fly on its own, rest assured, that is a form of violence. If you are told that you are a horrible parent (and you know different) you have the same result. The day threats are made to leave you high and dry with nothing yep, you guessed it.

End the cycle now, while you know that there is still time
Be willing to learn the lessons that will be passed on to you from this
Move forward with the rest of your life without looking back

The first step to curbing domestic violence is to admit that you do not deserve it. Although that will take a while to do, the rewards will be immeasurable. There are counseling centers set up throughout the country to help any victim in need. There are toll-free 800 numbers for you to call 24 hours a day, even if it's just to talk. No one is there to pressure you into making any rash decisions that you are not emotionally ready to make for yourself. When push comes to shove, know that your corner is full of supporters. The day you realize that, the embarrassment will soon wear off and your self-pride will be restored.

One thing to remember is it's NOT your fault. If you have children, they need to know the same. Domestic violence affects the entire family. If it is not put to an end, that cycle will be handed down to your children in one way or another. In a lot of cases, there will be dire consequences. So, act now. There is no time like the present to realize that your life, safety and happiness are worth a lot more than you were ever told they were. Life is full of hurdles; this can just be one bump in your road to the future. In some ways, it may make you a stronger person. It will change the way your children look at you. They will begin to see a person of courage that will protect them at any cost. Your strong will and determination can prove to be a better cycle to pass down to your future generations.

There are some perpetrators out there who think you can put a price tag on the lives of others. One thing needs to be said to them a person's life is priceless. There will come a day when that same person will run across someone who is bigger and stronger than they are. What will happen then? Will a lesson be learned? Or will they still think that they are invincible? For your own safety, don't be there when that day comes.

Take a word of advice from one who has been there, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You will cry more than you ever thought you would. You will still make excuses for everything. But one thing is for certain...that too will pass.

Self Awareness...

It would definitely be easier if I had no self awareness...maybe even less drama! Life just seems to be one cruel joke after another. Unfortunately, I'm aware of it every step of the way and nothing seems to change. That's the worst part...just going through each day wondering what could possibly go wrong this time! And it never ceases to amaze me that YES...it can get worse!

Such is life - sometimes we all just have to drop our heads in defeat and wait for the next challenge. Bringing me back to the unending cycle of drama...I hate drama! I get up in the morning, take my son to school, get some coffee, go home and write. Then I take my other son to work, go to my youngest sons football, drive him home and write some more. Sleep is a pleasure when I actually get to do it. At 3 in the morning, my phone rings to pick my son up from work...then the cycle starts all over again! Who am I, you ask...I have no idea anymore!

When I found this category to write in, I honestly had no idea what they meant by 'Satire'. But, after reading pretty many of the stories on here I came to my own conclusion about it. I'm assuming that the satire group means that I can be as sarcastic as I wanna be. Go figure, sarcasm just happens to be my specialty! I'm fed up with the world...all of it. People suck, they have bad attitudes, and no one seems to care about anyone else anymore. What makes me different? It could be the simple fact that I give a crap about people...I like to do the right thing...hell, I have a conscience!

If only other people could be as aware of themselves the way I am! It would make the world an easier hell-hole to live in. I've been asked if I believe there's a heaven...of course I do. It's not only because I was raised catholic - it's because I believe there has to be something better than this! If only I could see it...

I spend my days wondering when I'm going to get the next threatening phone call or email. I wonder when my ex (that tried to kill me) is ever going to find me. And I wonder what my purpose is in this thing so many people call life. I thought I had a purpose...something worth waking up every day for...a reason to smile and laugh. It all seems to fade out as quickly as it shows up. There's no warning...it's there one day...gone the next! Leaves me to wonder why we even bother anymore. So, do I possess self awareness - unfortunately, I do. Most of my days are spent with the one hope that I could forget a lot of things that I don't want to know. That'll never happen. I seem to be just as aware of reality...and reality is worse than drama!

Keeping it Secret

My tumor...my life...my decision. When it comes to the reality that your life is hanging in the balance, you need to decide how to approach it. I've made my decision. When I get my blood work done next time, it will be the last. Facing what has been dealt to me was hard. Accepting it was even harder. I've come across so much 'fake' sympathy during this...I can't take it anymore. So, my tumor has become my secret. The people who deserve to know, already do.

I know what my life will be like from now on. I know who my friends are. It's now up to me on how I handle it. My stories will be shared with the hopes of helping someone else. It's important for people to realize that they are not always alone. My words can be the rock that other cancer survivor's have to lean on. The hardest decision that I ever had to make was walking away from my testing...and here is why I'm doing it...

I have one kidney...and it's a tumor. I live every day in so much pain, but I make it through. When I wake up in the morning, it's up to me to be happy...to make the most out of my life. I don't have insurance. So, there is nothing that can be done anyway. My thought process now has to turned from wanting to know...to needing NOT to know. When anyone gets bad news, it feeds into our minds. It's a dagger that can never be removed from our hearts. Believe me, you can not fear that which you do not know...so, I choose not to know.

I want to live how ever much longer I have enjoying life...I can't dwell on the sorrow of it anymore. This is something that will get the best of me...so for now, I retain the upper hand. This is MY life...not the tumors life. I shall smile when I want to cry...hug my children when I want to hide...and live when I feel like I'm dying. When it comes my time, do not cry for me...just make my legacy live on.