Writing...Gift or Curse

I have been handed very few gifts in this cursed life of mine...so, to answer your question correctly, I'd have to say it's a bit of both! The earliest memory of writing was when I was about 9 or 10. I was sitting in my room looking out of my window. I wrote a poem called "A Star". It was changed a few times over the years...but, ultimately remains my very first work of art! Personally, I wouldn't want it any other way. That poem depicts the unknown, the mysterious...the questions that can never be answered. Kind of like the title of this article group!

Writing is a mental release that every person needs. There are people that draw, take pictures, eat. But, a lot of us choose to write. It's an escape from the pressures of the real world - although it's the real world we choose to write about. Feels like a crossword puzzle that never ends...a mountain that you can never reach the top of. The possibilities are endless even though sometimes we'd like them to end. And that, my friend, is a gift to you...a curse to me.

Over the years, I have published 2 books of poetry. There are 4 more books about half-way done. Two of them are poetry, one are my human rights articles, and the fourth is a daily inspirational guide. Now that I'm bored with my everyday writing of those, I decided to try my hand at a movie script. What am I thinking, you ask? Well, that's the problem...I'm not thinking! It seems the words just flow out - at the most awkward of times mostly! And while I'm busy pecking away at the keyboard, keep in mind that I also have to work and raise my boys! So, to add insult to injury, I am EXHAUSTED! I don't sleep unless I'm medicated...otherwise, I will wake up at least five times throughout the night, grab my tablet and just write...it's horrible! That went on for ten years before the doctor made the decision to prescribe me what many people consider a "crazy person" drug. Now, thanks to Xanax, my blood pressure lowered and I was getting more than 2 hours of sleep a night! If you think that sounds crazy, talk to a few writers! There are many of us out there that need to be medicated...it's just another curse of the talent.

But, on the positive side of all of it, I have the ability to give a voice on issues that may otherwise go unheard. I have a talent for the way words flow onto paper. And, most importantly (from what I've been told), I'm real...I can write in a way that anyone can understand. There is nothing that I don't enjoy writing about. My passion is endless...if there is a way to put something into words, I'm going to try to do it! Maybe it's the challenge of it all that captures me. I know it's not the fear of defeat, or I wouldn't be writing this!

Personally, I think the "gift and curse" aspect of writing is rolled into one...there is no ability to separate the two. As a writer, you take the whole world onto your shoulders at once and try to carry it with you. You try to make your words heal the sick...make the sad laugh again...make the old remember being young. I wouldn't want my life any other way. For if I am capable of carrying my own burdens in this life, I am more than capable to help another carry theirs. Through these words on the most asked question of the day...know that whether it be a gift or a curse is not to be answered. Instead, just know that there are few people out there willing to go the distance...willing to write their words - no matter what the fate may be. This is my gift to you!

Healing Through Writing...

Reasons to write are everywhere...inspiration can be found through the simplest things...healing can begin with what your words create. Many people choose to write with the desire of becoming famous; others just have a need to express themselves. I’m one of the latter...in every essence of the word. Although I have 2 books already published, not many people I encounter on a daily basis know about them. I write for myself...for the love of writing...I write to leave a legacy for my children. I don’t believe in flaunting my success or bragging about things I’ve accomplished. What I have in this life is possible because I desired to achieve them. I don’t expect to become rich...don’t want my face plastered all over the media...I just want to be left alone to write.

The challenges that I’ve faced in my life were easier to handle because I have a creative talent to fall back on. It’s my own little form of therapy. When I’m mad about something, I write...when I’m stressed out and upset, I write...when I’m happy, I write. It seems that I spend most of my time pecking away at the keyboard. To anyone that knows me, they understand that nothing is off limits when it comes to the topics I tackle. My ideas could quite simply come from the smell of my dinner burning on the stove...or the idiot that ran me off the road. When my brain starts working, there’s no way to stop it until I have a story completed. It leads to a pretty stressful way of life when you think about it. The lack of sleep is dreadful...but well worth it most of the time.

Lately, it would be nice if I didn’t have a reason to write. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. If the fact that my tumor came back isn’t enough, my son just got expelled from school. He didn’t even make it through the 9^th grade before his lack of good judgement got the best of him. Now, the only time I get to talk to my son is when they let him make a 5 minute phone call to me...which isn’t even every day. I didn’t get to make it in for a visit yet...which leads to more writing. There are another 5 days to go before I get to see him. Even though he’s not going to be gone long, it still tears me up inside. The legal system decided that he needed to be taught something by sitting in there until his hearing (which are 2 misdemeanors). In my mind, it is that tough love that he needs...considering everything I preach about goes in one ear and out the other. He’s definitely understanding the depths of his choices...he cries himself to sleep every night. In the past 5 days that he’s been gone, I got 2 letters from him. As I read each one, I held onto the letter and cried. I want to bring him home with me, but he needs to accept responsibility for his actions.

For now, I’ll spend my time sitting here with my laptop...looking for new topics to write about...creating stories that will help me to heal. It works, you know - writing as a way of healing. When I read the things I’ve written, it amazes me most of the time. Just the thought that I could end up with something that passionate is a rush...it’s an addiction. There are a lot of times that I cry just from reading things that I wrote years before. My life has been full of ups and downs just like everyone else’s...but it hasn’t gotten the best of me...not yet. Somehow, I always seem to move ahead. Without this creative outlet, who knows where I’d mentally be right now.

Not only do I write to heal myself, I write to help other people heal also. It’s my responsibility...it’s my desire to let other people know that they aren’t alone in this world. If my words can help someone else, then that will make me a success. It’s not how many books I’ve published...how many screen plays I’ve written...how much money I make... what makes me famous is the number of people I’ve helped. I’ve accomplished that by first writing to heal myself...

A Father's Love

(In memory of my father)

Now that I am grown with children of my own, I can still remember the days I sat on my daddy's lap. I can hear him telling the stories of when he was young. They weren't your typical walking ten miles to school in the snow stories. They held more to the imagination than that. It was my time a time that will never fade into the past. To my dad, I know that I'm still the same little girl I was 25 years ago. Some things never change.

When people look at my father, they only see the pain he lives with. If only they could look further past the surface. Through my eyes, I see the same amount of strength and love that was always inside of him. He has taught me, through his ups and downs, that it's what you have at this moment in time that matters. Every few months, we have the same conversation. It starts with him telling me how proud he is of the person I have become. Then it ends quite drastically. He lets me know that his days are numbered there are no guarantees in life. The most important thing to him is being able see his daughter and grandsons as often as he can. When I hang up the phone, the only thing left to do is cry.

Heart disease carries with it the strongest sense of fear you ever thought possible. In the blink of an eye, you're thrust into the unknown. The question lingers If there is no tomorrow, will God give us the rest of today? That is what my father lives for. He is determined to make the most out of what time he has left. In his own words, "Life's too short to get worked up over what can't be changed". These are the words to live by.

There is more to my father than his heart disease. He is the most unselfish and compassionate person that I have ever known. When I go to sleep tonight, I will dream of sitting on his lap. I will listen to his stories. I will tell him how much I love him. And before the time comes to awake, I will thank him for being my dad. To anyone walking in my shoes, the most important thing to know is that nothing will ever compare to the love of a father.

A Writer's Inspiration...

Inspired by the world...

When trying to figure out what inspires a writer, accept the fact that it's an unanswerable question. The things that inspire someone today, could possibly have no bearing tomorrow. A writer provides a voice...an opinion...magic within words. That's who I am - who I choose to be. Looking over my life, I've come across many things that have been an inspiration. Those same things have proven to destroy me at times. It all comes back to who we are at one specific moment...the moment we put the pen to paper. When those words are released from the captivity of our brains, we have the ability to move forward.

The list of my inspirations could go on forever. So, I'll narrow this down to the inspirations within me that could serve a purpose for someone else. My writing is from the heart - from my experiences. When I pick up a pen, I'm an entirely different person. I have the desire to write my life stories in a way that could be of benefit...maybe help someone through a difficult time. My biggest inspiration would have to be my cancer. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through...it's my life - it will also be my death. I'm willing to accept my fate because I know that I possess the strength to endure it. With my words, I have the hope of helping someone who thinks they're alone. The desire to help someone who doesn't know how to deal with it. The ambition to heal their unhappy outlook on life...and on death.

I got a second chance at life - I'm living it right now. This is my last one...and I'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to live my life for today, share my story and my words with the world. My hope is that my words will forever serve a purpose. When I'm gone, I want to know that what I've written gives a voice to those who need it. It's my desire to have my life experiences help someone...make them smile, make them cry, make them know that they're not alone. I've been there...and it's those who read my work that inspire me the most. I write for myself, for my family, for people I don't know.

I write for the world...the world that inspires me...

This is my legacy...

Is Life Really About Attitude...

Let's boil it down to one question - what does life really mean to you? An attitude can be taken to mean any number of things. It can prove to transpire your life or it can hold you back from who you choose to be. Like it or not, the life you lead is completely determined by the attitude that you have. Now, I'm not saying it's alright to walk around with your nose stuck up in the air or with your tail between your legs. What I'm telling you is simply put...just know who you are. Think of your attitude as a necessity - as a means to an end.

We live in a day and age where honesty is NOT a virtue...where loyalty somewhat lacks...and where honor is given to the highest bidder. Every day we hear stories of crime and horror that are happening in our own back yards. It's time to rise above that - to make a statement. Do you have what it takes to go after what you want? Do you possess the right attitude to end up with what you think you deserve? Are you willing to take one step backwards if it means you'll be able to take two steps ahead in the future? Just take a moment to think about that one while I tell you a little story. It's the story of a woman...a daughter, a mother, a friend. That woman is me...

There was a time in my life when I thought it was easy. A time when I took my life for granted. I realized the hard way that in all reality, life is short. It's something that can be ripped away from us at any moment. When I was only 26 years old and the mother of two young boys, I was told that I had cancer. The words hit me like a ton of bricks...I couldn't even think. The clinical term they used was stage three renal cell carcinoma. To all of you normal people like me, that means kidney cancer. So, determined not to let it hold me back, I did as much research as I could. I found out that this type of disease is predominant in middle-aged white men. Hhhhmmm...let's think for a minute! To this day, a reason on why is struck me is unknown. And I don't really care why it struck me, I'm just glad it did.

Looking death in the face and being able to walk away taught me a valuable lesson. It made me see that my attitude to never give up helped me to survive. It's a courage that my children could see in me. And, it's a self-taught pride that not many people possess. Through the hospital stays and the inability to walk, I gained an appreciation for the simpler things in life. The things that used to just pass me by. My time was spent enjoying the company of my friends and working on my first manuscript. When I got the letter from a publisher agreeing to put my book in print, it was the most amazing feeling in the world. So, the book was officially titled "A Cancer Survivor's Legacy" and it's my hope that my words will help at least one person. I may not have an "in your face" attitude, but I do have what I like to call the "survivor" attitude.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the life I've been given. But, I can honestly say, I wouldn't choose anything else. I'm perfectly happy where I am...