Constant Tears

There's a story that needs to be shared
For whomever wants to hear
It's about a fight that needs to be fought
For the hope of a few more years
It exposes a mother's love
In the strongest type of way
A bond not easily broken
One that can never be stripped away
The pain may become intense
Through the struggle that I will face
But it will all be worth the fight
As long as I run the race
Defeat is for the vulnerable
Success is for the strong
This is a challenge I will win
By proving the doctors wrong
There's a legacy I will share
That will carry on for years
It's about a fight that needs to be fought
Amid the constant tears
It exposes a woman's weakness
In the strongest type of way
A look into her soul
As she falls on her knees to pray
The sickness may become severe
Through the days that are yet to come
But it will all be worth the fight
Once this race is won
Failure is for the weak
Victory is for the tough
I will overcome this challenge
Even though it may be rough
There's a story that needs to be shared
For the hope of helping someone else
It's about knowing you're not alone
Even when you're by yourself
It's about a fight that needs to be fought
Regardless of your fears
It's the ability to run the race
Amid the constant tears

When I...

When I cry...I cry alone
For when I shed my tears
No one will know
What I've overcome
The pain I've endured
Make the tears that I've shed
Mean that much more

When I close my eyes...I do not sleep
For the things I dream
No one should see
The visions that surface
I know are real
So when I do not sleep
I do not feel

When I drink...I numb the pain
For maybe someday
My life may change
My bruises may fade
So you can not see
All of the torture
Inflicted upon me

When I left...I didn't leave alone
For now my children
Have a safer home
I can look in their eyes
And know what I've done
Is because of the love
That I have for my sons

Living to Die...

For the past 9 years, I've tried to adjust myself to living with one kidney. Sometimes I even forget that I only have one - until the scar across my back reminds me! Let me tell you, there are good days and there are bad days...the bad days are ridiculously painful. December 13, 1999 was the day that changed my life forever. That was the day they removed my left kidney and sent it off to be biopsied. You see, I spent ten years taking prescription pain killers because of severe lower back pain. The doctors thought it was because I was a waitress that worked at least 50 hours a week. Deep down, I knew it was something else...but, I couldn't convince them!

Finally, I convinced the "medical professionals" to look harder for something. This was more than just back pain. After CT scans and a lot more than one opinion, they removed my kidney. At the follow up appointment, I was told that it was Stage 3 Renal Cell Carcinoma. If they wouldn't have found it when they did, I would have only had an average of 3 years to live. Thank God they got it when they did. During the recovery, I wasn't given any advice on how to take care of myself with only one kidney. All I was told was that there is a possibility it could return and affect my other one. The advantage was, that this could take 10 to 15 years. Well, I was only 26 and I figured they sounded like good numbers! Now, at 35 I realize how grim that really is.

You see, a few years ago they did find something. It hit me like a ton of bricks! As of now they are content with calling it a mass...a solid formation that resembles what my left kidney once looked like. They can't conclude that it's another tumor - after all, there's not much that they can do. We all made the decision that we would just wait to see how it develops. Even though we know what it is, there is no way to prevent the ultimate outcome. I just have to go day by day and wait. If I qualified for a transplant, it would have already been taken care of...but, I don't.

They take many factors into account when qualifying someone for a transplant list. I was already told that I don't meet the criteria! I am a smoker...my children are almost grown...and there are too many hereditary diseases that run in my family. In layman's terms...that means I'm dispensable. Just another statistic in the vast growing days of cancer! And to make matters worse (if that's possible), I have no insurance. My employer doesn't offer it and the state says the $10,000 I make a year is too much to qualify for any type of medical assistance. So, the waiting is even more stressful!

I take every day as a blessing...I enjoy time with my children and I work when I can. Most days I can barely walk, but I make it through. I've tried to quit smoking - that didn't work! I did cut back some though. I had to take it upon myself to do research online to find out what else I could do. Did you know that red meat makes your kidneys work even harder? I didn't know that either! With only one kidney, you must be careful on how hard you work it. So, red meat was cut out of my diet. Every now and then I do indulge myself though! Research also showed that tea is very bad for your kidneys...I never knew that either! If you're going to drink tea, make sure it's green tea. That's a little better for you. Since you'd still need the vitamins that are in red meat, I had to find a way to get them. That's when I stumbled across the fact that broccoli provides many of the same things you need. Good thing that I like broccoli!

If I Die Today...

Will I be remembered
For who I was...or who I am
Will I be sorely missed
By my family...by my friends

Did I make a difference
In this thing that we call life
Did I make amends
For things I didn't do right

Can I change some things I've done
Even just one time...
Can I change mistakes I've made
Maybe be a little more kind

Will the tumor kill me today
Or shall I suffer a little more
Does it even really matter
Since I've lived it all before

For if I die today
At least I know that I am loved
And when it's my time to go
My father is waiting up above

He will take me in his arms
Making sure that I am safe
He's up there waiting to see me
In what is surely a better place

My children keep me going
This cancer is just a 'thing'
And although I will not die today
Who knows what the future brings

The Mirror

When I look into the mirror
I don't know who it is I see
For the person looking through it
Couldn't possibly be me
I see a pretty face
With long and flowing hair
The reflection looks amazing
If only I was there
What I see is sadness
Along with emptiness and fear
Throw in a little doubt
And that is all that appears
I wish I could see the surface
The way it looks to you
Maybe I'd feel a little better
Instead of always feeling blue

When I look into the mirror
At times it makes me cringe
For the person looking through it
Isn't complete within
Her strength can hide the tears
No matter what the cost
But looking within the mirror
Is a reminder of all that's lost
There is no amount of compassion
That can cover up the pain
No way to make amends
For losing a father out of vain
I wish I could see the surface
The way that it should be
Maybe I'll feel a little better
When I live my life as me

Today I'll break the mirror
To avoid what it will show
For the person looking through it
Doesn't need to know
I will become my own protector
And try to move ahead
I will be a father's daughter
Although that father is dead
There's no way for me to tell him
What is in my heart
I've already lost that chance
Once we were ripped apart
I just wish he could be here with me
To offer the blessing I deserve
And although I am in love
I'm still a daughter that hurts

Do I Hate...

Sharpness of the blade
Cutting through my skin
Stealing away my youth
My innocence within
Gone in the flash of a moment
The girl I used to be
Left a bloody mess
Where no one could even see

Do I hate the man
Who left me there for dead
Am I still afraid
Or did I move ahead

The weight of the .357
Shoved against my chest
I can still feel the pain
From where it once was pressed
The security of my home
Gone in the blink of an eye
The man I thought I loved
Because of him I'll die

Do I hate the man
I loved with all my heart
Did I move ahead
I didn't even start

Hate is only a word
But so is LIFE and DEATH
Words that hold no value
Unless followed by a threat
Do I live for the moments
That got me where I am
Or am I stuck in the memories
Of when it all began
That's something I do not know
I also do not care
Being dealt a horrible life
Is something I must bear

I'll carry my hate inside
Where I know it will stay safe
Because YES I hate those men
Until this very day
May they rot in hell
Getting all that they deserve
I hope they scream in pain
Every time it hurts
If I could hold that knife
Or the gun within my hand
I would control the outcome
Until the very end