Personal Strength...

Finding our own personal strength...what is it...how do we achieve it. With so many obstacles throughout our daily lives, it might be hard to lose sight of who we really are. The first thing any vulnerable person loses track of is their personal strength. It’s what’s inside of us...most times buried too deeply that it’s never found again. It’s important to know that who we are is more than our jobs...our opinions...our beliefs. What makes us unique...irreplaceable...is the strength that we possess. It molds us into the person we look at in the mirror...it gives us our pride. Losing the personal strength within your soul is the closest path to defeat that could ever be taken. Keep it close to you...let it overpower you...make it noticeable.

My personal strength has been tested over the past month...I’m slowly losing my grip on it. No matter how hard I try, there seems to be no end in sight. I know that I’ve always been a strong person...I’ve looked defeat in the face before...I won. This time, I don’t know. It’s like the world is crashing down on me, and I’m not trying to stop it any more. I want to...I just can’t. Since my words always seem to work magic...I thought this might be a good thing to write about. Maybe some magic can be worked within my own soul...within my heart. It’s a chance I’m willing to take...if not to help myself, I could possibly help someone else.

As parents, we try to guide our children...make them responsible...respectful. I love my boys with every ounce of my being. Without them, I am nothing...an invisible woman. My world revolves around my children...their happiness...their pain. I’m not the type of mother who goes out to party - or leaves her children behind. They are with me every step of the way...and they like it. I can honestly sit here and say that both of my sons are my best friends. People will come and go out of my life forever...my boys are here to stay. I have never turned my back on them - just as they have never done it to me. Guess it could be called a mutual respect on both sides. Respect...the most important part of our relationships. It’s the one thing that is the easiest to lose...the hardest to earn...and we possess it with each other.

Back to why I feel like I’m losing my personal strength...it’s a long story that I shall try to make short. The status that I’ve earned over my lifetime is based on all my accomplishments - as well as my failures. I’ve had two books published, I’m writing a novel and 3 movie scripts simultaneously, I’m a waitress...a mother...and a friend. I’ve never let my success as a writer determine who I am. I choose not to flaunt it or let many people know about it. Maybe it’s part of the mystery when others find out...to me, it helps keep my life private. Over the years, I’ve developed a few close friendships that help me to understand that the world isn’t all bad. Two very good friends of mine are police officers in the town that I reside in. A few years ago, I left that town...only to return so I could be closer to them. In a way, it helps make me feel a little safer...it makes me smile a little more...it makes me happy.

Lately, my youngest son decided to venture down his own path...one he knows that I was against. He’s learning his lesson the hard way. Part of it is him rebelling...not against me...against life in general. He was taken to a detention center 3 weeks ago and it’s been almost a month of hell...for me. When my son is with me, he’s respectful...obedient...trustworthy. When he’s not under my care, it’s a whole other story. I don’t know how to explain it...or understand it. Not only has the past few weeks been hard on me, it’s been equally as painful for him. At least he’s taking this time to think about his actions...to accept responsibility. All he wants is to come home. I have gotten so many letters from him and each is more emotional than the last. It’s sinking in...he’s learning...he’s sorry. Hopefully, the courts will see that same side of him that I’ve seen...I want him to have a chance.

Dealing with all of this is what made my personal strength start to fade away...I don’t know where it’s going...I have to find a way to get it back. It’s apparent to me that I’m the type of mother who carries her own personal strength within the hearts of her children. Their happiness determines my own...I need to make sure they are both taken care of...the way they deserve to be. It’s my job to protect them when the world seems to be turning it’s back on them...I need to teach them to carry their own personal strength within themselves...I have to teach them how to be men. Personally, I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt - giving out second chances. It helps them to acknowledge what was wrong...give a chance to make it right. I’m not the type of woman that will judge another by their appearance - by their actions. That’s what separates myself from the rest of humanity...it’s my compassion...my personal strength. I have the ability to look past what is right in front of me - to look deeper into someone than what the eyes can see.

My emotional breakdown hasn’t hit me yet...I’ve been too busy pecking away at the keyboard...keeping myself busy. I know it’s coming and it’s going to be bad - I’ve prepared myself to accept that. For now, I’ll just be content knowing that my own personal strength is on vacation...taking a much overdue break. It will return to me when it’s ready...and it will be stronger than it was before. Until then, I’ll keep my tears hidden and my hopes high. I will not show my desperation...my pain will not rise to the surface...my emotions shall remain in check. When life gets back on track...the way it should be...life will be back to normal. The day that happens...I will smile once again.